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(Want to get in that Lemmy's Land spirit? Listen to this while reading: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FnFvJdB7QOM)



In the skies near Mushroom City, Geoff is driving an airship emblazoned with Lemmy Koopa's head on the front, whistling “It's All Over, But The Crying” by the Ink Spots while he flies.

Geoff: Hey Lemmy, you see those lights over there?

Lemmy: Yep! All nice and pretty!

Geoff: Well my little spaztastic friend, that happens to be Mushroom City, where my interview studio is! I phoned my secretary Polly and had her schedule an interview for this evening, your interview. And can ya guess who's interviewing you?

Lemmy: Sam, duh.

Geoff: NOPE!

Lemmy: Wait, huh?! I thought that-

Geoff: Nah, I'm messing with you! Got ya good!

Lemmy: Heh, a Bandit after my own heart! I think I kinda like you! But man... he's not one of the tourists that comes to mind when I think back to my old Land, but Sam was a decent guy I guess. I wonder how he's going to react when he sees me sitting in that interviewee chair?

Geoff: I dunno. But we'll find out shortly! We're here, buddy boy!

As Geoff said, the airship looms over Mushroom City, with the interview studio right in view.

Lemmy: Alright! Now, where exactly are we gonna land?

Geoff: That's easy! We're gonna-

Geoff notices that the parking lot is completely full.

Geoff: Huh... well then, I guess we'll park there-?

The street is absolutely full due to post-rush hour traffic.

Geoff: Alright, that restaurant nearby could be a good-

The Burger Princess nearby has a full parking lot as well.

Geoff: Gah, you've gotta be tossing my pizza! Everywhere that we can conveniently park is packed!

Lemmy: Well that's a bummer... for THEM, maybe! Oh boy Geoff, are you in the mood for some mindless violence?

Geoff: Lemmy my boy, I can always get behind some mindless violence!

Lemmy: Well, I give you full permission to use my ship's cannons to clear out the parking lot! It's going to suck for the people who took this spot!

Geoff: Nah, I have a better idea...

Lemmy: What do you mean?

Geoff: BANZAI!

Geoff sends the airship in a nosedive straight towards the interview studio.

Lemmy: WHOA WHOA WHOA! ARE YOU INSANE?!

Geoff: Nope! I had my psych evaluation and everything! Of course, a back-alley guy named Jose DID give me my certificate, so who knows how valid it is...

Lemmy: GEOFF I SWEAR TO GOD, IF WE DIE I'M GOING TO TOSS YOU INTO THE RIVER TWYGZ IN THE AFTERLIFE!

The airship crashes, completely destroying a wall while it goes crashing down to the stage. The audience flees in terror while Sam (who is in the interviewer chair) looks absolutely terrified. The ship comes to a complete stop right in front of him as Geoff leaps out triumphantly.

Geoff: Honey, I'm home!

Sam: Geoff, you destroyed our studio! Why in the world did you do that?!

Wizenheimer: Boss, are you nuts?

Polly: Oh good lord...

Geoff: Hey, hey! No comments from the peanut gallery, I always wanted to make a dynamic entry! I mean, no one died, did they?

Sam: You crashed right through where Marie was filming!

A Fishin' Boo floats out from the wall's wreckage, looking as chirpy and bright as ever.

Marie's Ghost: I'm right as rain, y'all! Though I'm kinda pale-lookin'...

Sam: Marie, you're-!

Geoff: She's fine! Look at that lovely, healthy pale glow of hers!

Sam: But she... she's kind of... oh whatever. So, I take it that the interviewee you bought in is worth having half the wall demolished?

Geoff: Indeedarino little man! LEMMY! It's showtime!

Lemmy bounces down from the ship's deck onto the stage.

Lemmy: Hey, I remember you! How's it going, Sam?

Sam: Lemmy, I... you... you! It's really you!

Lemmy: Well... duh. Were you expecting Wart, or Tatanga perhaps?

Sam: No, it's just... well, you kinda disappeared! You abandoned your land and shut it down! All us tourists were just cast out onto the streets, never to hear from you again!

Lemmy: Look, Sam. I'll put it straight for you: I got older. We all got older. I've had a lot more responsibilities put on my plate now that us Koopalings have been going on more missions with King Dad! I'm sorry about ditching you guys, but personal responsibilities have got to come first!

Sam: Personal responsibilities huh? That's pretty understandable. Sad, but stuff happens I guess.

Lemmy: Yep!

Sam: So uh... are we still doing the interview?

Lemmy: Yeah! You have questions, and now the time has come-

Sam: You bet it has! I want some info!

The instrumental for “To Know Everything” from the Donkey Kong show plays, much to everyone's confusion.

Sam: *singing * I wanna know the secrets that the crystal holds and all the magic power that it brings! I'm the big KAHUNA, I should know what's going on! Inka-Dinka tell me everything!

Lemmy: …

Sam: …sorry. I just... let's carry on.

Geoff: Not before we get our interview properly started! Take it away, Mr. Announcer!

Announcer: Coming to you loud and proud from-

Sam: Hey, we're almost at four pages and all we have is subplot with no interview! Skip it!

Announcer: Aw...

Sam: Anyway folks, I believe that after this grandiose entrance, that our interviewee needs no introduction! He's goofy, he's tiny, and some call him the Clown Prince of Koopas! Give it up for Lemmy!

The audience claps while Lemmy strikes a few silly poses on his ball.

Lemmy: Tee hee, thank you all!

Sam: Now Lemmy, I'm just gonna get a big question out of the way. Apparently, Nintendo has released a statement saying that you guys AREN'T Bowser's kids. Is there any truth to that, are you guys just his quirky child assistants?

Lemmy: Nah, that's not true at all! We're all King Dad's kids... though honestly, not his legitimate ones...

Sam: Not legitimate?

Lemmy: Well, not legitimate from an inheritance standpoint. You see, Bowser Jr. is the only child of the former Koopa Queen. We're all kids from various concubines of his.

Sam: Concubines? I didn't know that Bowser kept any around!

Lemmy: He did at least. They all ran off eventually, same with Junior's mom! I think it's kind of obvious, but King Dad isn't exactly a lady's Koopa.

Sam: Sheesh, you aren't kidding! So many different wives just bailed on him! But anyway, we need to continue! What's with the change of scenery in New Super Mario Bros. U? You seemed like a huge fan of ice in previous games, but in that game you're in a bright, sunny, warm field!

Lemmy: Oh don't get me wrong, I still like ice! I just wanted a change of scenery after spending quite a few missions watching over frozen territory. Acorn Plains is warm, grassy, cheerful, the exact opposite of places like Iced Land as well as that other icy portion of the Mushroom Kingdom! Plus, it's very quiet and peaceful, it makes an all-around neat vacation spot!

Sam: Ah, you were just tired of the same old, same old huh? I can relate to that! So where did your ice fixation come from anyway?

Lemmy: You see, it all started back when we were younger: Roy was really angry with me when I beaned him with a Hammer Bro's mallet and decided to shut me in the kitchen's freezer to teach me a lesson. He said he would open up after I got on my hands and knees and begged for forgiveness, but I didn't! I liked the feeling of the chilly temperature, how the ice felt under my feet, and shivering was surprisingly awesome! I never folded under pressure and had the time of my life making crude ice sculptures until a servant saw what happened and told King Dad. Roy got a week in the dungeon, and I really wanted to spend more time in the cold! That following week we attacked those kings from Super Mario Bros. 3, and I jumped at the chance to rule over Iced Land!

Sam: It's kind of weird how childhood experiences like that shape our obsessions later in life. So along with ice, I also noticed that you also really like that ball of yours. How come you're usually riding on it?

Lemmy: It's a combination of two things! Back when we were all little, King Dad liked taking us to the circus! I really loved watching the clowns goof around and noticed that one rolled around on a ball! I grew to admire clowns in general and became a fan of pulling pranks on others, but that ball... man, I really wanted one of my own! And during that period, most of my siblings liked to pick on me for my short height, especially Roy! It really ticked me off because I'm Bowser's second oldest son yet everyone was treating me like a little kid, so standing on my ball really helps me feel taller! Let me tell you, the birthday when dad got me my very own ball was a huge turning point in my life...

Sam: I can imagine! So Lemmy, we're getting a general idea of where your interests came from. So allow me to ask about yet another recurring theme with you: In both Super Mario World and Mario and Luigi: Superstar Saga, you fought with clones of yourself or decoys. Where did you get the idea for that?

Lemmy: It's all apart of being a trickster! Since I'm kinda shrimpy, I realized that after getting whipped by Mario in our first fight that brute force wouldn't cut it! I figured that bamboozling him with clones would work, that he would get all flustered and confused when confronted by multiple Lemmys that I HAD to win!

Sam: Well uh...

Lemmy: Yeah yeah, it totally backfired on me. As a kid I was kind of a moron, and didn't think about getting my decoys to dress up like me. Mario totally didn't fall for my tactics as you would imagine. And even when I decided to get that weird Cackletta/Bowletta lady to cast a spell on those Goombas in order to turn them into copies of myself, I didn't know that Mario and his dumb bro could use attacks that hit all of us at the same time! Man, that really burns me up!

Sam: So speaking of Super Mario World... what was your battle plan, anyway? You and your clones popped out of pipes and... well, you didn't do anything. Were you planning on having that Podoboo do all the work?

Lemmy: Alright buddy, you listen here: Nintendo did NOT do my boss fight any justice when they did the video game adaptation of that adventure! They showed me and my decoys just messing around doing nothing, but what I was REALLY trying to do was to grab Mario and shove him down the pipes to the lava below. Of course it didn't even come close to working and as a result I had to take a lava bath for my troubles, but they. I tried.

Sam That makes a lot more sense! Now Lemmy, here's a little warning: we're going to get a bit more personal with this next question if you don't mind. Are you cool with it?

Lemmy: Hey, I don't mind at all, shoot away!

Sam: So it's no secret to everyone that for quite a while, Bowser Jr. was the only child of Bowser's appearing in the Mario games. What happened with you guys anyway?

Lemmy: Hoo boy... now THAT was quite a time period! You see, back during our conquests of those various kingdoms and Dinosaur Land, Junior was still a toddler! Larry was pretty little too, but old enough to fight and follow orders, so Junior had to stay at home while Kammy and Kamek watched over him and we got to go on adventures with dad. Once Junior reached the ripe age of five years old though, King Dad spent a lot of personal time with Junior, taking him on trips and giving him personal lessons on kingship, that sort of thing. The more time King Dad spent with with Junior meant that us Koopalings had more time to grow bitter and hateful. Of course now it's obvious that King Dad was prepping Junior for the throne since he WAS the legitimate heir, but as kids we didn't know that! We just thought that he was playing favorites. So for the next couple of years we refused to go on trips and conquests with King Dad so we wouldn't have to be around Junior. Which meant that we missed out on Isle Delfino, both trips into space... yeah.

Sam: So you guys weren't left out by Bowser, and instead chose to stay behind out of resentment towards your youngest sibling?

Lemmy: Yeah. We were petty, vindictive little brats back then. But you know what? We warmed up to the kid! Junior especially looked up to me because he was a big fan of the pranks I pulled and wanted to learn to be as sneaky as I was! So after King Dad gave us all a long talk and made sure that we had our heads on straight, I began to teach Junior all sorts of way to fight dirty. And to this day, most of us quite like him, though Ludwig can't stand him due to wanting the throne to himself.

Sam: Well that's sweet, it's great to hear that you guys all get along! Well, for the most part at least.

Lemmy: Yeah, I'll admit that the kid is quite sweet, if a tad bratty at times.

Sam: So Lemmy, the Vanilla Dome doesn't seem like that fun of a place to rule over, it's all dark and empty! Did you choose that place of your own accord during Super Mario World, or was it kind of forced upon you?

Lemmy: Actually, I wanted to rule over Vanilla Dome! I don't know why, but I was a huge fan of the ecosystem. Towering underground mountains, vast lakes of water and lava, that one area full of bouncy platforms... I thought it was super cool! My siblings didn't even look at it twice, but I saw potential where they skipped over! Plus, caves are just cool to explore.

Sam: Well that's interesting! I never would have pegged you for a spelunker. So back to ice and everything related to it... what kind of winter games are your favorites? Assuming of course that you like them!

Lemmy: No worries, I like everything about winter, the games included! As far as I'm concerned, you really can't get better than a big ol' snowball fight! Especially when you can craft huge towering fortresses and use catapults to launch huge piles of snow at each other. Man oh man, THOSE were fun times!

Sam: You really can't get better than those! So uh... look, this isn't a deep or meaningful question, but I'm dying to find out: is your hair naturally rainbowish?

Lemmy: Yep yep yep, mom's family always had crazy hair colors! Completely 100% hereditary!

Sam: So what about your shell? I could have sworn that you always had a green shell except for Super Mario World because of its weird color scheme for you Koopalings, so why is it orange now?

Lemmy: I've actually always liked orange a whole bunch! It's bright, exciting, and very wacky as far as I'm concerned, and it's not too bright the way yellow is! I simply had my shell painted once my siblings did the same!

Sam: Huh. I can't believe I didn't think about that.

Lemmy: It's not a problem! I'd say that it was a perfectly legitimate question to ask!

Sam: Well, I don't feel that bad about it anymore, heh heh. So out of all your siblings, who would you consider to be the ones you love the most? And are there any who you hate?

Lemmy: I've always gotten along really well with Iggy! Most of my siblings find him a tad creepy at best and a total wacko at worst, but his crazy, manic personality always resonated well with me, and he never talked down to me or pushed me around! We were so close, he even dyed his hair to look like mine for a long time! I also get along really well with Wendy. As bratty as she is, she always looked up to me and loved watching me do tricks on my ball! Both she and Junior were awesome little sibling apprentices if I do say so myself! I don't really hate anyone in my family, though Morton can get a bit wordy for me at times...

Sam: I think everyone can agree there! So out of all the minions you've employed over the years, which ones do you like the most?

Lemmy: Cooligans, man! Let me tell you, they're easily the BEST sledders in the Mushroom kingdom and it's always loads of fun to have downhill races with them during winter! I also really like Waddlewings a lot, because they're so adorable! I mean, look at those chubby cheeks of theirs! And my third favorite is probably the Ptooie. I'm not super big on plants, but their ability to balance a ball over their mouths really intrigued me!

Sam: Alright Lemmy, this has been a real fascinating interview so far! However, I think that I'd like to turn you over to the audience after this next question, is that okay?

Lemmy: Sure, sure! This has been really fun, and MAN it takes me way back!

Sam: So it's no secret that you Koopalings have been making a HUGE comeback: you returned for the New Super Mario Bros series, you're racers in Mario Kart 8, and even made it into Smash Bros as playable characters! You made it into SMASH BROS for Pete's sake! Not even Ridley can claim that!

Ridley: …that really hurts.

Sam: I'm sorry, big guy! Believe me, I would have loved to play as you! But uh... yeah, anyway, you guys have really made a nice comeback! Do you think that you're here to stay as important Mario characters?

Lemmy: I really think so! King Dad is dead set on letting us participate in a lot more of his schemes, and we've made peace with Junior for the most part, so I think it's safe to say that we're going to be playing a key role in messing with that pesky plumber and his friends for years on end!

Sam: I wouldn't have it any other way! So now, how about we turn you lose to the audience! Seat LUIGIOWESMEMONEY!

Torque: Hey Lemmy, what kinda kart would you consider to be your favorite?

Lemmy: Oh boy, I really like the Biddybuggy and Sneeker, they're both super neat and really unorthodox as far as the Sneeker goes!

Sam: Seat DOHIMISSED!

Wario: Hey, tiny! You weren't riding on your ball during Superstar Saga, what gives?!

Lemmy: At that point in time, Roy had hidden my ball and said that he popped it! I was really wigging out at the time because I was afraid that my favorite toy was destroyed, but I had to steel my nerves and fight on foot for the time being. Let me tell you, it wasn't until the next day that I found my ball in a spare closet somewhere, but it felt like an eternity to me!

Sam: Seat UNDERLINGOFUNDERLINGS!

Goomba: So Lemmy, are there any places in the Mushroom Kingdom that you'd like to visit some day? Or heck, anywhere on Plit for that matter!

Lemmy: Ooh, that's quite the question! I think it's no secret that I'd love to visit all sorts of icy places: Starborn Valley, Cool Cool Mountain, Joke's End, Fahr Outpost... but honestly, I'd love to visit Flipside! It's such an odd and quirky place, I bet someone like me would totally fit in among the local populace!

Sam: Interesting! Seat OGHARDSHELL.

Buzzy Beetle: Hey Lemmy, what was with your fighting style in Hotel Mario? The helicopter pack, the paper planes, it's so outlandish!

Sam: Oh no...

HM!Mario: NICE OF THE PRINCESS TO INVITE US OVER FOR A PICNIC, EH LUIGI?

HM!Luigi: I HOPE SHE MADE LOTSA SPAGHETTI!

HM!Mario: ALL TOASTERS TOAST TOAST!

HM!Luigi: GOTTA LIGHT?

HM!Mario: HEY YOU, GET OFF OF MY CLOUD!

Sam: GAH! Security!

Sergei: This way, memelords.

Lee: Good lord, those references stopped being funny years ago. NOT THAT THEY EVER WERE IN THE FIRST PLACE! MOVE, YOU WORTHLESS SCUMBAGS!

The Boom Boom and Snifit duo escort the joke characters out of the studio.

Lemmy: Oh Sam! Good reviewers don't rely on cheap jokes like that! Shame on you, buddy! But anyway, it was odd time for sure! I just wanted to try something different, and even though it worked out horribly, it was a learning experience!

Sam: So that game was canon, huh? Nintendo thinks otherwise. Seat BUBBLYBUBBLE!

Barney Bubble: Lemmy, here's a question regarding Bowser: what do you think of the big palooka?

Lemmy: Well, we get along pretty well! My antics do kinda wear him out and annoy him from time to time, but he's still willing to take me to the circus and other such places every now and then! All in all, he's kind of rough around the edges, but clearly cares about me as well as my siblings! I love him!

Sam: Aw, that's sweet! Seat ITALKFUNNY.

Bowyer: NYA! Legitimate heir you are not! What job want you do?

Lemmy: I both want to serve as a commander for the Koopa army and act as a clown in a circus! Funnily enough, Dark Land DOES have a local clown college that's open for business...

Sam: Interesting. Final question, seat GUHGUHGUHGUHGUHGUH!

Marilyn: Guh guh guh guh?

Lemmy: Nah, just because I'm named after Lemmy Kilmister doesn't mean that I'm a fan of Motorhead! In fact, I'm only a fan of techno music as well as commonplace circus tunes like Entry of the Gladiators!

Sam: Well then... that just about wraps it up! Can I just say that despite our scary beginning that you guys were an awesome audience tonight? And Lemmy... it was great catching up with you as well as learning more about the Koopa family!

Lemmy: Anytime, Sam! It's been real nice catching up with you too! But for now, I must go... or I would IF SOMEONE DIDN'T CRASHLAND MY AIRSHIP!

Geoff: Yeah, that's just low, y'know?!

Lemmy just glares at Geoff.

Lemmy: Oh no, YOU are paying for it. Every last coin comes out of your wallet, buddy!

Geoff: Oh no! But my studio, I don't know if I'll be able to afford to repair it!

Lemmy: Well too bad, maybe you should have given it some thought before ANNHILATING A WALL WITH MY AIRSHIP!

Geoff: Geez Louise, stop yelling! I'll... well, I'll think of something! Oh boy... hey, Marie! Or well, Marie's ghost!

Marie: Yup?

Geoff: We got that all on film, right? The interview?

Marie: Oh yeah, don't worry yer lil' head, boss! Even after that big honkin' ship came and trashed the studio, I still recorded every last bit of that interview!

Geoff: Ha, nice work! Even in death, I can count on you!

Sam: Oh hey, we're still rolling! Why does this always happen?

Lemmy: I've got it!

Lemmy fires a spell with his wand that destroys the camera yet leaves the film intact, ending the transmission.


(Author's Note: Whoo! Big honking interview time! Honestly, I had fun writing this. Yeah I know, Nintendo confirmed that the Koopalings are not Bowser's children, but for god's sake I'm not throwing such a fun concept out the window! I hoped that my compromise of them being his kids but illegitimate heirs is believable and doesn't come off as me clinging to the past. :p Honestly though, I like bringing some closure to Lemmy ending the site and have him end things on good terms with Sam, and perhaps start a newfound friendship as well! I cringe looking back at my interviews at the main site, but I remember how nice and helpful Lemmy was when I submitted them and he was more than happy to give me pointers about writing better and all that. I just hope that the webmaster himself is doing fine wherever he is in life, and that life goes smoothly for him)

EDIT: I wrote down Lemmy's shell as yellow when it's clearly orange. I'm such a moron sometimes. :p