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(Want to get into that Lemmy's Land Spirit? Listen to this while reading: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IqF6Q0Wyobo)


Ten minutes before the interview starts, Sam swings by Polly's office, where she can be seen guzzling down black coffee in a soda-drinking hat.

Sam: Well hey there, Polly! Heh heh, I like how you have a hat on your mushroom cap! It's hat-ception! Ha... ha... you're not laughing.

Polly: Inception jokes stopped being funny years ago. Though from my point of view, they never were.

Sam: I'm sorry.

Polly: It's quite alright. So as Geoff told you when you came back yesterday, you are to carry out the interview today. He doesn't care if you do it alone or with a partner, just make sure that you're involved, got it?

Sam: Yep! I sure do, Polly, you big old sweetheart, you!

Polly: I'm flattered. And exhausted.

Polly slumps over in her chair and begins snoring. Shrugging, Sam heads into the back room where Wizenheimer, Sergei, Lee, and Marie are hanging around watching Geoff play The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. He's grinning like an idiot while playing as an incredibly ugly man who punches everyone he sees to death.

Geoff: Hey hey Samarooney! You ready for that upcoming interview?

Sam: Yep! But I'm looking for a partner, is anyone open for interviewing Broozer with me?

Marie: Ooh, I wanna help! Can I, Geoff?

Geoff: Sure, I don't see why not! Hey Sergei, how's about you take over camera duty?

Sergei: My pleasure, boss.

Sam: Well alright then! Marie, I say you ought to run- er, glide on over to your seat on stage, because we're going live in about ten minutes!

Marie: Oh golly, I've never interviewed anyone before! It's gonna be so excitin'...

Ten Minutes later...

Announcer: Coming to you loud and proud from his studio here in Mushroom City, heeeeeeeere's Sam! And Marie.

Sam: Well hello one and all! I'm just glad to say I'm back from my rather... nightmarish vacation and back with you guys! So how does it feel to have me back?

Goomba: I like that Bandit guy better, Geoff?

Birdo: Oh indeed, SO much more charismatic!

Sam: Man, no respect I tell you! No respect at all!

Marie: Aw, don't get all grumpy Sam! Anyway, I hope y'all are excited for a real rough n' tumble rootin'-tootin' prize fighter! Because today, we're interviewin' Broozer! Come on up, big guy!

A wall of the studio tumbles as Broozer comes punching his way through the blocks and charges onto the stage, taking a bow as the audience begins to cheer before plopping down on the interviewee sofa.

Marie: Geoff ain't gonna like hearin' that we lost a wall after having a hole put through our ceiling back when we interviewed Dumb Drum!

Sam: Oh man, we had a freaking Donkey Kong Country character here? Why did I have to miss that?! But anyway, like Marie said: what the heck, Broozer?! That was a perfectly good wall you smashed down!

Broozer: A perfectly nice wall MADE OF BLOCKS!

Sam: Man, do you have something against blocks?

Broozer: It's complicated.

Sam: Well, this IS an interview, so complicated questions are expected! I'll get to that question in a bit, but first I need to ask the big important one: what are you? And before you get smart with me, I mean what exactly are Broozers?

Broozer: Well, most of us Broozers were all people who loved to fight in life, so we have our aggression manifested in the form of a raging boxer, thus the gloves and strong body and all that!

Marie: So, why're y'all so scarce? I don't reckon I've seen a whole lotta yer type in any games y'all have appeared in!

Broozer: Because only the manliest of the MANLY become Broozers!

Marie: Wow, really?

Broozer: Yeah, most people who die just become Boos, Eeries, your basic garden variety ghosts! It's the guys who don't take their deaths lying down, and I mean they fight their deaths kicking and screaming that become Broozers. Like what I said before about how we were people who loved to fight in life, that's not ALWAYS the case, but it usually is because truly hardcore people will fight death every step of the way!

Marie: That's really neat!

Sam: It sure is, Marie! So, about the whole block thing... why do you guys hate them so much?

Broozer: Oh no, most Broozers smash blocks because they happen to be in the way, we just LOVE punching the heck out of things! But for me... well, I think it's easier to explain in song. You mind?

Sam: Um... is the audience cool with that?

The audience as a whole kind of shrugs.

Marie: I wanna hear ya sing!

Sam: Eh, sure. You better have a killer set of pipes though!

Broozer: Don't worry, I do!

Broozer snaps his fingers through a boxing glove somehow, summoning a choir of Boos and a ska band composed entirely of Eeries. A Dry Bones leads the choir and band to play a song that sounds very similar to “The Shark Fighter!” by the Aquabats.

Broozer: [i]Well I'm a Block Fighter! I fight blocks!
I fight 'em in mansions 'cuz that's where they are!
When I smell coins, I come runnin'!
And I smash 'em into rubble!

'Cuz it's my life to hunt down the blocks I despise!
Is full of danger
Whose supplies, they give those plumbers supplies!
This rhyme tells the story of the-

Block Fighter! Toughest ghost in the world!
Block Fighter! Under his fists all shall fold!

Now I had a girl who was precious to me, but a block took her away!
Now I fight blocks not for money, but for love! (Boo: And that ain't funny, yo.)
And here's why: I will avenge my lady with my afterlife!
Or until I die again in a fight, against the tough-built army of the night!
This rhyme tells the story of the-

Block Fighter! Toughest ghost in the world!
Block Fighter! Under his fists all shall fold!

His only goal is a block casserole!
His only creed is to do the deed!
He is not mean, he's just getting even!
He will not die until all blocks cry!

I gots me some fangs, boxing gloves and on each foot a shoe!
Yeah, that's pretty coo'! I charge forth like a raging bull!
Yeah I'm not kidding, man! Yeah I'm not kidding, man!
I'M NOT KIDDING, MAN! YOU KNOW I'M JUST A...

Block Fighter! Toughest ghost in the world!
Block Fighter! Under his fists all shall fold!

His only goal is a block casserole!
His only creed is to do the deed!
He is not mean, he's just getting even!
He will not die until all blocks cry![/i]

Broozer, the Boo choir, the Eerie band, and their Dry Bones composer all turn to the audience and take a bow, enormous applause erupts as they all go back to their seats.

Marie: *sniff*That's so sweet!

Marie breaks out into hysterical sobs, while her cloud just rolls it's eyes.

Sam: Hey, that was a pretty cool song, Broozer! But uh... do ALL blocks have to be smashed because one ran off with your girlfriend?

Broozer: I'd say so! After all, if our relationship couldn't be kept whole, why should any of those blocks stay whole themselves?!

Sam: But it was only one that took her! You know, I wonder, how DID a block take her away?

Broozer: Oh, it was one of those stupid Brocks!

Brock (Pokemon): Whoa hey now, I haven't run off with that lady friend of yours! Then again, I never succeed with any ladies...

Brock sulks as his Croagunk glares at him.

Broozer: Whoa,not you, buddy! I' m talking the Brock species! You know, like that french block guy who lived over in the Mushroom Kingdom that one time! He seduced her, the scoundrel! I promise, I WILL AVENGE HER! Even if I have to smash every last block or Brock into pieces!

Sam: Uh, you sure she didn't run off with that Brock because she liked him more than you?

Broozer: Not my girl!

Sam: Well uh... ah, never mind. Good luck with getting her back, I guess! Anyway Marie, you want to continue?

Marie: *sniffle* Yeah, yeah, I sure will! So Broozer, do y'all happen to like barrels a lot? I've noticed that y'all are associated with 'em as of recently!

Broozer: Well, we're boxers! Do you see us running around blasting people with fireballs? It's easy for you to take that kind of thing for granted, you're a Lakitu! You see, these barrels give us some way to defend ourselves from a distance!

Marie: Aw shucks, that makes total sense! I hope that wasn't a dumb question, now!

Broozer: Nah, you're good.

Sam: So anyway, how come you guys never helped out King Boo those two times he tried to take on Luigi?

Broozer: You need to remember buddy, King Boo had his own army of Boos and specialized ghosts those times! Most of us Broozers, we're loyal troops of the Koopa Kingdom, and you surely won't see me running around double crossing our awesome King Bowser!

Bowser: GWAHAHAHA! I sure pick the best henchmen, don't I? You're getting a raise after this interview, buddy!

Broozer: WHOO!

Marie: Alright Broozer, is it any fun bein' dead?

Broozer: Eh, it ain't much different than being alive, I'll tell you that. Even if I was still alive, I'd probably be helping out Bowser anyway, I was one of his Sledge Bros in life!

Sam: You know? I noticed that nice mouth full of gleaming, sharp pearly whites! How come you never try to chomp people by biting at their heads? Or how about their ears, you know, give 'em the old Mike Tyson treatment?

Broozer: Hey, these teeth are mainly used to intimidate! I've already got these here hands for slugging the living daylights out of my opponents, why should I have to do something that's even more likely to get me beaten up? I don't need to fight any closer!

Marie: So how come y'all Broozers ain't invincible like a lotta other ghosts are?

Broozer: It's because a lot of our spectral energy goes into our strength, not defense! We still have a lot though to keep us going if we're damaged in battle! We're just not super-invulnerable like some spirits are!

Sam: Last question before the audience questions! You guys have been really making rounds, from multiple New Super Mario Bros. appearances to a small role in Sticker ****...

Marie: Hey, I thought Sticker Star was real cool! Your opinions ain't the only ones that matter, hoss!

Sam: Hey, it's all opinions, alright Marie? But anyway, you even made an appearance in one of the RPG's, I'd say you're going places! You have any desire to be in a spin-off Mario game like a sports title or a kart racing game?

Broozer: Eh, best chance I've got is getting into a Mario Party game, and I totally wouldn't complain about that! Problem is, I wouldn't actually be able to party myself and would probably stay on the sidelines. But if I could at least be involved with a mini-game, that would be pretty sweet! I've got my fingers crossed for Mario party 10!

Marie: Alright y'all, audience questions time! Seat CHOCOLATEISLOVECHOCOLATEISLIFE!

Doc Louis: Man, why don't I see you guys ever use proper boxing techniques? If you just rush in like some sorta chump, you're gonna get whooped, son!

Broozer: Hey, most of us weren't boxers in life, we barely know how to properly use our designated style!

Doc Louis: You mean you guys don't even get training? Now that's all sorts of wrong!

Broozer shrugs.

Broozer: Take that up with my boss!

Sam: Hey guys, how's about we discuss training regimens later? Seat 12!

Conkdor: You weren't in any of the Mario games, were you?

Broozer: Yep, in both life and death! I was one of the Sledge Bros wandering the Big Island map on Super Mario Bros. 3, and as I am now, I was one of the two Broozers Mario fought in Paper Mario: Sticker Star!

Marie: Seat SAKURAISEDGYBABY!

Dark Pit: How come none of you guys appeared over in Smash Run? I bet I could snipe you before you could even pummel me!

Broozer: Oh man, a Smash Bros appearance would have been awesome! Well kid, that's not up to me, ask Sakurai. In fact, I've got questions of my own to ask him! Such as, how were you even approved during the planning stages?

Sam, Marie, and the rest of the Audience: Oooooooooh!

Dark Pit draws his blades.

Dark Pit: You know what? It's so on- YOWCH!

Dark Pit grasps his arm, hissing in pain as he recovers from being shot in the arm by Lee.

Lee: You tryin' to start fights in here, goth boy? I swear on my dear mother's grave if you ever showed your face during basic training, I'd beat you till you bled Linkin Park CD's! Now sit down and shut up, AM I CLEAR, MAGGOT?!

Dark Pit: Alright alright! Geez!

Sam: Seat 832!

Fawful: Do you, punchy ghost, have aspirations of travel? Any places to visit, like Santa Claus on the Eve of Christmas time?

Broozer: Uh.. if you're asking if I want to visit other places, I think the Pipe Maze would be pretty cool! SO MANY BLOCKS THAT I GET TO SMASH!

Marie: Seat REVEALINGLIGHT!

Watt: Are you scared of light like other ghosts, mister?

Broozer: Well, I don't like having lights shone in my eyes like anyone else would, but I can handle a bit of light!

Sam: Last question! Seat 333!

Paragoomba: So, are there any higher-ups in the Koopa army that you respect most of all?

Broozer: I'd say Roy, that guy is the DEFINITION of Koopa manliness! It would be an honor to serve him one day and learn some proper boxing techniques from him!

Sam: Well ladies and gents, it's been a pleasure having you here, but sadly, we've got to part now. But don't be sad, because I'll be seeing you again!

Marie: Take care, y'all! Come back anytime, ya hear?

Doc Louis: Hey Broozer! If you're lookin' to do a few practice rounds tonight, I'm free, baby!

Broozer: Train with the legendary Doc Louis himself? Oh heck YES!

Broozer and Doc Louis leave together, while Geoff heads onstage.

Geoff: Man alive, Sam! That was a heckuva good interview there! And Marie, you were really in your element too! Great job, you guys!

Marie: I like thinkin' that I'm a real people person! Can I do more interviews, boss? Pretty pretty please?!

Geoff: Ah sure, ya real sweetheart, you! As for you Sam, I'm thinking of having you interview alongside myself and Lee next time! We've got a heck of an interview coming up, so I'd say-

Sergei: WHOA!

Sam and Geoff look upwards as they see the Swoopin' Stu from a couple of interviews ago fall down from the camera booth, only for Sergei to grab him just in time.

Sergei: ...can we pretend none of you saw that?

Geoff: SERGEI! Get him out of here, I told you he's not allowed in here!

Sergei: I hear you, I hear you! Sorry Stu...

Swoopin' Stu: Oh, it's alright Sergei! He'll come around.

Sam: And that is...?

Geoff: A Swoopin' Stu I had Wizenheimer and Sergei interview when you were gone vacationing over in Isle Delfino! Let me tell ya though, that little glob'a mess and yuck just won't leave!

Sam: Well, I don't know what to tell you Geoff. So, who are we interviewing tomorrow?

Geoff: Oh it'll be fun! No spoilers... but I'm telling you that it's a three-on-three interview! Excited, huh?

Sam: But Geoff... that's a spoiler too!

Geoff: Oh **** it all! Oh hey, Sergei left the camera on up there!

Geoff tosses a pebble at the camera, breaking it and thus ending the transmission.

(Author's Note: I blame my nephew for getting me addicted to the Aquabats. His parents have great taste in music! So yeah, I know Marie the Lakitu's speech is RIDICULOUSLY stereotypical, but I hail from Texas! And by god, I have every right to be stereotypical! That, and I like the idea of a friendly southern Lakitu. There's no one I hate among the characters I made for interviewing, but Marie is definitely one of my favorites.)