Stardust Fields Forums

(Want to get into that Lemmy's Land Spirit? Listen to this while reading: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OOJxWquwhZY)


Wizenheimer, Lee, Marie, and Sergei are all seen gathered around a TV playing Mario Kart 8 backstage, with Marie absolutely crushing the competition. For some odd reason, Sergei is wearing an enormous stovepipe hat that can't stop grabbing Wizenheimer's attention.

Wizenheimer: Hey uh, Sergei?

Sergei: What is it, Ditherheimer?

Wizenheimer: What's the story behind that hat of yours?

Sergei: Eh? Oh, it's nothing. I'm just simply cold on my head area. Yeah, that's why.

Wizenheimer: Ah, just wondering.

Wizenheimer doesn't quite buy it and continues to periodically stare during the race. When it's over, Marie tosses the Gamepad into the air in celebration.

Marie: Whoo hoo! I really cleaned y'all's clocks, now did I?

Sergei: Hmph. Don't get cocky, southern Lakitu. When we rematch, I will break you.

Lee: And I'll be laughing as you both choke on my dust, ya bunch of lily-livered pansies!

While the quartet trade smack talk with each other, Geoff strolls in and disconnects the Wii U.

Geoff: Hey party people! I bet all of you know what time it is!

Lee: SIR YES SIR! It is approximately thirty minutes until the impending interview, sir!

Geoff: Exactly! Now I hope you guys can get yerr keisters in gear and get everything ready! I'm gonna get Sam and let him know that it's getting close to time for him to begin the interview!

Sergei: But boss, Sam hasn't shown up yet.

Geoff: WHAT? He was supposed to be back yesterday!

Sergei: Well in all due respect boss, no one in their right mind would go to and from Isle Delfino in the span of one day.

Geoff: Oh yeah, I can just see him now: living it up on the beach while attractive bikini-clad women feed him fruit and watermelon smoothies! Having the time of his life while there's important work that needs to be done!

Meanwhile, Sam is still stranded out at sea in his barrel. He's paddling with a stray piece of driftwood while singing sadly to himself.

Sam:*singing* I'm on my way, from misery to happiness today... uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh
I'm on my way, from misery to happiness today... uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh
I'm on my way, to what I want from this world
And years from now you'll make it to the next world
And everything that you receive up yonder
Is what you gave to me the day I wandered... *sigh* I'm so going to die out here...

While Sam keeps singing, a cute little Cheep Cheep emerges from the sea in front of him.

Sam: Oh hey, HEY! Friendly life! You there, where's the closest bit of land I can make port at?

Cheep-Cheep: Swim away, mister! Swim away if you want to live!

Sam: Hey! That's no way to address a guy who has been stranded at sea with no food or water for a day! Now answer my question!

The Cheep-Cheep gives a panicked scream and dips back under the surface to swim for her life.

Sam: AGH! That dumb fish was no help at all! Stupid little-

Sam stops dead as he glances over his shoulder and notices a nightmarish sight. He turns ghostlike as he sees an absolutely enormous Unagi staring at him hungrily, it's bus-sized head full of razor sharp teeth poking from the sea like a demon emerging from the bowels of the Underwhere.

Sam: I think I just wet myself.

With a terrified scream, Sam is swallowed whole by the Mega Unagi barrel and all as it dips back under the sea acting as if nothing happened. Meanwhile back at the interview studio...

Geoff: What a slacker! You can bet he's getting a piece of his paycheck cut whenever he comes back here! Trust me, I'm going to give him the verbal thrashing of a lifetime and- holy Plit! What in the word is up with that hat, Sergei?

Sergei: Uh... I already said it before, my head was getting cold. Yeah.

Unimpressed, Geoff swats off the hat to reveal that the Swoopin' Stu from the previous interview is hiding on Sergei's cranium.

Geoff: You! What did I tell you yesterday about following Sergei home?

Swoopin' Stu: I know, I know. I'm going. Bye Sergei.

Sergei: Your time will come, little one. Just be patient.

Geoff: Man, so many people are acting up today! I swear if one more thing goes wrong I'm gonna have to bust a gasket!

On stage, a humongous metal drum with a skull and crossbones painted on the front comes crashing through the ceiling and into the interviewee spot.

Dumb Drum: DUMB DRUM READY FOR INTERVIEW!

Geoff's eye is seen twitching.

Geoff: You know what? I'm gonna have to bust a gasket. [b]POLLLLLLLLLY![/b]

Geoff storms over to Polly's office, where she's out cold across a spread of papers.

Geoff: POLLY! I need you out here in the interviewing room front and center!

Polly: Ugh... right away, Geoff.

Polly yawns, stretches, and downs an entire cup of black coffee before leaving the office and following Geoff.

Geoff: Tell me what that is, Polly.

Polly: That is Dumb Drum, Geoff. He hails from Kremkroc Industries over on D.K. Island and has shown to me that he is a legitimate interview candidate. What exactly is the problem?

Geoff: Well for starters, he isn't a Mario character. We only interview Mario characters here, Polly!

Polly: Actually, I'd argue that he does count as a Mario character.

Geoff: Oh really? Well then, enlighten me!

Polly: He is a part of the Donkey Kong Country series, which is spun-off from Mario and Donkey Kong's first encounter in what is simply called Donkey Kong. Donkey Kong often hangs out with Mario and sometimes brings most of the Kong family and even a few Kremlings. Since Dumb Drum hails from their island and games, he does technically count as a Mario character. Heck, he even has his own page on the Super Mario Wiki. Trust me, his paperwork checks out.

Geoff: Well... eh sure, I guess it works. I'm sorry I jumped on ya for that, Polly!

Polly: All is forgiven, Geoff.

Geoff: But there's another problem, we need to get the ceiling patched up thanks to his arrival! And why is he here so early anyway?

Dumb Drum: DUMB DRUM PROUD OF PERFECT ATTENDANCE! IF DUMB DRUM COME TO INTERVIEW EARLY, DUMB DRUM NO WORRY ABOUT BEING LATE!

Polly: Look Geoff, I'll happily take some money out of my account and pay someone to patch up the ceiling. In fact I bought him over here, so I'll handle interviewing him for you as well. Okay?

Geoff: Sure, sure! But we've been going at this for three pages now, let's just get this party started, shall we? You're a peach, Polly! A real sweet one too!

Twenty-Five minutes later.

Marie: Cameras are rollin' y'all! 5... 4... 3... 2... 1!

Announcer: Coming to you loud and proud from his studio here in Mushroom City, heeeeeeere's Geoff!

Geoff: Hello hello hello, and welcome, I say WELCOME to Geoff's Interview Show, with today's host, Polly! Can you give our audience a nice, warm welcome Polly?

Polly: Hello.

Audience: …

Geoff: Come on, I know you can be more energetic than that!

Polly: I'm only running on six cups of black coffee, Geoff. Please don't push me like this so early in the morning!

Geoff: But Polly, it's seven o' clock at night!

Polly: Anyway, I'm sure all of you are excited for tonight's' interview. He hails from the faraway DK Island, give Dumb Drum a round of applause.

Some applause is heard as Dumb Drum bounces up and down happily.

Dumb Drum: DUMB DRUM EXCITED FOR INTERVIEW, SLEEPY MUSHROOM LADY!

Polly: I bet you are indeed. So, *yawn* [size=85]god I'm tired[/size] Dumb Drum, you mind explaining to us what exactly you are?

Dumb Drum: DUMB DRUM BIG OIL DRUM!

Polly: Oil drum, eh? There are not many oil drums out there that spew living creatures and speak. How are you even capable of sentient thought?

Dumb Drum: KING K. ROOL MAKE ME! HE MAKE DUMB DRUM REAL SMART SO DUMB DRUM CAN MANAGE TROOPS IN FACTORY!

Polly: Well, smart is a very... relative sort of thing. Keep in mind that while you may think of yourself as a genius, others... well, others might not.

Dumb Drum: WELL, THOSE PEOPLE ARE DUMB!

Polly: Look Dumb Drum, you insulting people isn't going to hurt anyone but yourself. Okay?

Dumb Drum: OKEYDOKEY!

Polly: Good. Anyway, you say K. Rool created you? I heard he was capable of genius inventions like robots and the such, so I guess I wouldn't be truly surprised.

Dumb Drum: YES OH YES INDEEDY DO! K. ROOL MAKE DUMB DRUM OUT OF BIG OIL DRUM, AND PUT IN FANCY STUFF TO MAKE ME THINK! MEANWHILE, OTHER OIL DRUMS GET MADE FROM BIG MACHINE! THEY NOT SMART THOUGH, HA HA!

Polly: So I noticed that all oil drums painted like yourself can send out an almost unlimited amount of enemies such as Gnawties and Klaptraps. How exactly does that work?

Dumb Drum: KING K. ROOL PUT IN STUFF THAT MAKE ANIMAL TROOPS OUT OF LITTLE PIECES CALLED... DEENAY?!

Polly: So he had a cloning machine put in your interior... most impressive indeed. *yawn* [size=85]oh how I long for bedtime's loving embrace[/size] Anyway though: I want to start things off by saying that I played Donkey Kong Country a lot on the Super Nintendo as a little Toad girl. I love it to death, but I've always wondered something: why do you take damage whenever the enemies you shoot out are destroyed?

Dumb Drum: NO NO NO, NUH UH! THAT NOT HOW IT WENT! AFTER THOSE STUPID MONKEYS BEAT MY ANIMALS, DUMB DRUM SENT DOWN BOOM BARRELS TO BLOW THEM UP! THEY JUST THREW THEM BACK AT DUMB DRUM AND THAT HOW THEY WON!

Polly: Your recollection of the events is different than what I saw. Tell me, how do I know you're not lying to me?

Dumb Drum: PLAY GAME BOY ADVANCE VERSION.

Polly quickly looks up a video of the Dumb Drum boss fight, and is able to confirm his story.

Polly: Ah, now I see you were being honest, sorry I doubted you. But why put down those TNT barrels when Donkey Kong could just use them against you?

Dumb Drum: DUMB DRUM WANT BLOW UP MONKEYS WITH BARRELS, BUT INSTEAD THEY BLOW UP DUMB DRUM! AGH, IT MAKE DUMB DRUM ANGRY!

Dumb Drum accidentally summons a pair of green Zingers that begin to buzz angrily and chase the panicking audience. However, Lee puts them both down with two well-placed bullets from his mouth.

Lee: Let me tell ya bunch of cotton candy-blooded sissies: you don't get bullets that good unless you're a Snifit like myself, ha ha!

Polly: Dumb Drum, for future reference *yawn* [size=85]Why did I agree to do this?[/size] Please try not to expel any more animals, it could be dangerous for everybody in the audience.

Dumb Drum: OKEYDOKEY!

Polly: Good, good. So, you were also guarding a bit of the Kong's banana hoard. Were you able to try any of them, and if you did were they good?

Dumb Drum: DUMB DRUM EAT THEM, HATE THEM. BANANA NO GOOD FOR DRUM! NO UNDERSTAND WHY MONKEYS WANT FRUIT SO BAD.

Polly: I'm sorry to hear that, Dumb Drum. So since K. Rool was defeated, where did you go after the events of the first game?

Dumb Drum: DUMB DRUM GO LIVE ON CROCODILE ISLE!

Polly: I don't remember seeing you when I played Donkey Kong 64. Where were you exactly?

Dumb Drum: DUMB DRUM MAKE SOME OF THE ANIMALS THE STUPID MONKEYS FOUGHT, DUMB DRUM JUST OFFSCREEN!

Polly: Works for me, I guess. Anyway *yawn* [size=85]I'm so going to pass out in a minute or so, I can feel it[/size] I want to ask one more question and I'll have you answer the audience questions. Do you have any fond memories of your time as a K. Rool henchman?

Dumb Drum: WELL, ONE TIME I FALL ON FAT KREMLING AND BOUNCE UP AND DOWN REAL FAST! HE GET ANNOYED, BUT I LIKED IT!

Polly: Alright then. Audience, I'm sure you know the game already, he selects around six of you or so, answers your question, and the interview is over.

And with that, Polly slumps over in her chair and begins to snore loudly.

Dumb Drum: UH... DUMB DRUM NO KNOW HOW COUNT!

Polly: *Sleeptalking* Uh... seat 17.

Toadette: Did you like the animals you created from your... insides?

Dumb Drum: YUS! DUMB DRUM LOVE ALL ANIMALS, THAT WHY DUMB DRUM GET MAD WHEN STUPID MONKEYS BEAT ANIMALS! IT'S BAD TO HURT NICE AND GOOD ANIMALS!

Polly: *snort* Seat SCHOOLEDYOUIN1994...

Donkey Kong: So tell me ya big dummy: How come all the other Oil Drums only send out one type of animal when you could send out any ones you wanted?

Dumb Drum: YOU! DIE STUPID MONKEY DIE! DUMB DRUM FINISH WHAT YOU STARTED NOW!

Donkey Kong: Whoa!

Now a plethora of Donkey Kong Country enemies get created and leap out of Dumb Drum's head for battle: everything from Klumps to Kritters to Zingers to Armies are all present and accounted for... before being blown to pieces by Lee's security task force.

Lee: Hey Tall, Dark, and Moronic! If you keep screwing around, I'm going to make your existence as MISERABLE AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE! UNDERSTAND, MORON?!

Dumb Drum: NO YELL, NO YELL! DUMB DRUM UNDERSTAND! DUMB DRUM LOVE ANIMALS!

Lee: Then I suggest you answer that question as fast as humanly possible!

Dumb Drum: DUMB DRUM BIGGER THAN LITTLE OIL DRUMS, SO DUMB DRUM HAVE ENOUGH ROOM FOR ALL ANIMALS! LITTLE DUMBER DRUMS HAVE ROOM FOR ONLY ONE, HAHAHA!

Polly: Zzz... Seat 201.

Spike: So things can come out of you, but can anything be put IN you?

Dumb Drum: NOPE! INSIDE DUMB DRUM IS MACHINE FOR MAKING ANIMALS, SAME WITH LITTLE OIL DRUMS!

Polly: Uh... Seat 631.

Glowing Rabbit (Super Mario 64 DS): Do you even like KremKroc Industries? I'm sure there were other places on the island you'd like!

Dumb Drum: DUMB DRUM LIKE FACTORY THOUGH! BROWN SKIES, SMOKE, POISON WATER AND ALL THAT FEEL LIKE HOME TO DUMB DRUM! JUNGLE BORING!

Polly: Mmr... Seat 2SPOOKY

Dry Bones: You're not related to Belcha from Donkey Kong Country 3, are you? I mean, you're both barrels and all.

Dumb Drum: YEP! BELCHA AND DUMB DRUM COUSINS! BUT BELCHA MADE OF WOOD, SO BELCHA IS WIMPY! HA HA!

Polly: Seat... *snort* 43.

Bitesize: You didn't have anything to do with those mincers being tossed in our pond, do you?!

Dumb Drum: YEP! SPIKY WHEELS ANNOYING, SO DUMB DRUM HAVE THEM TOSSED IN POND SO THEY'RE OUT OF WAY!

Bitesize: You idiot! Our pond was already smothered by toxic chemicals, but those stupid mincers made it almost impossible to live there anymore!

Dumb Drum: OOPS. SORRY.

Bitesize: Yeah, I'm sure you are...

Polly: Zzz...

Dumb Drum: SLEEPY MUSHROOM LADY SAID SIX QUESTIONS, AND DUMB DRUM DID SIX QUESTIONS! TIME FOR DUMB DRUM TO GO BYE BYE!

Dumb Drum raises into the sky through the hole in the studio's roof, and rockets away back to Crocodile Isle.

Lee: Well... I guess that means you guys are free to go!

Sergei: You all have a nice evening.

As the audience leaves, Geoff heads back onstage.

Geoff: Well Polly, I gotta say you did fantastic this evening! So uh, how'd ya like interviewing?

Goeff is met with Polly's thunderous snores in response.

Geoff: I'll take that as an “I loved it, boss! I loved it so much, I'll totally do more in the future!”

Polly: Ngh... wha-? Hold on, I didn't agree to that.

Geoff: But you did.

Polly: But I didn't, I only volunteered this one time and that would be it. Now please, let me sleep in peace...

Geoff: Aw come on, Polly! You were great this evening, can you please do more in the future? Come on!

Polly: Dear god... fine, fine. But only if I'm not sleep- er, doing paperwork.

Geoff: Sure, sure! And now, we- Darn it Marie, the camera is still on!

Marie: Well gosh, it sure is! Sorry boss!

Marie turns off the camera and ends the transmission. Meanwhile...

Sam: I'm sorry dad, I promise I won't wear a Frog Suit to another company dinner ever again...

Sam wakes up, and notices that he's surrounded by total darkness.

Sam: Whoa, what the- where am I? Oh no, please don't tell me I'm dead! Please!

Sam fumbles around, hearing splashing noises and feeling water surrounding his torso until he grasps what appears to be a book of matches and a candle on a wooden surface.

Sam: Oh hey, a candle!

Sam lights it, and sees that he's stuck in a watery area full of debris from shipwrecks that is surrounded by dark pink fleshy walls.

Sam: Oh yeah, I got chomped up by a Mega Unagi out at sea! OH GOD, I GOT CHOMPED UP BY A MEGA UNAGI! I'M GONNA DIE!

???: Join the club, we got jackets.

Sam: What the- who's there?

Sam turns around to see that various sea creatures, sailors, a couple of pirates, and a Mecha Blooper are all sitting around on crates, barrels, and various pieces of wreckage in the watery depths.

Pianta Sailor: Mega Unagi got you too, eh? You poor, poor schmuck.

Sam: Well... I guess the saying's true: misery does love company!

To be continued...

(Author's Note: Since I noticed that a couple of Wario characters have been interviewed back in Lemmy's Land's heyday, I thought that it wouldn't hurt to interview Donkey Kong Country characters either! Dumb Drum always kind of stood out for me because even in a game full of easy bosses, he was still pathetically easy. That, and for some reason fighting a giant metallic barrel/drum helped cement his place in my memories. Also, I definitely like Polly, I was just going to have her be the typical stoic, serious secretary, but I feel she's endearing with her narcolepsy quirks.)