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(Want to get into that Lemmy's Land spirit? Listen to this while reading: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8fitw-2l5Uk)
Sam's interview crew has set up shop at the Water Park, Mario Kart 8's somewhat uncreatively named aquatic racetrack. An on-land atrium has been converted into a makeshift interview studio, and Sergei, Lee, and Marie are hard at work getting everything set up. Sam and Wizenheimer, however, are on the track itself, and are fishing on a boat in a watery stretch of track that's feeding out into the ocean. While they're quietly, calmly looking over the still ocean, Geoff strolls out from the ship's cabin with a Tasty Tonic in hand.
Geoff: Hey, fellas! How're the fish treating you boys?
He takes a long, obnoxiously loud sip while Sam and Wizenheimer glare at him and then over to an empty space where a pile of fish would occupy.
Sam: I dunno. You tell us.
Geoff peers at the empty "pile" and grins.
Geoff: Seems like you've got a knack for hooking invisible tuna! Keep it up, you two, and we'll have enough to last a year! Ahahahaha!
With a flick of his wand, Wizenheimer shoots a spike ball right into Geoff's gut.
Geoff: AGH! What the heck is wrong with you?!
Wizenheimer: Grab a pole and help us, ya lazy putz!
Geoff: Excuse me?! I am your boss, and I will not tolerate-
Sam: At work you ARE the boss, but here? You're a peon, just like everyone else! So shut your mouth and grab a pole, or so help me GOD we're gonna throw you overboard- WHOA!
Something heavy starts tugging at Sam's fishing line, and he nearly goes overboard before Wizenheimer grabs him and struggles to hold him back.
Sam: Geez! What in the world did I hook?!
Wizenheimer: Whatever it is, this thing's more ornery than my ex-wife!
Wizenheimer and Sam continue to struggle, and Wizenheimer's got his feet planted in their board so deeply that they're causing the wood beneath them to splinter. They fight, struggle, and strain... until a large orange seahorse is slung onto the ship and lands on top of Geoff.
Geoff: AGH! Watch where you're throwing things, ya clumsy morons!
Wizenheimer and Sam both glare at Geoff before Wizenheimer drops another spike ball on his head.
Sam: Thank GOD! I thought we'd never catch anything!
Wizenheimer: And here we are, with one whopper of a seahorse! I wonder what he tastes like...
Wizenheimer and Sam cry out as an odd amoeba/jellyfish looking thing comes hurling out the sea and begins lunging rapidly at them.
JellyAmoebaThing: Back away, savages! I said BACK AWAY, before I beat you all to death!
The Jelly-Amoeba thing squeals as Wizenheimer traps him in a magical bubble. The seahorse rolls his eyes and jumps up before standing on his tail.
Seahorse: Tamao, that's enough! Behave yourself, or I'm sending you back home! Am I clear?
Tamao bows inside his bubble.
Tamao: Y-Yessir! I'm sorry, your majesty!
Sam: Wait, hold on a second! You guys can talk, AND you're a king... who are you two?!
Geoff stands back up and rubs his aching head, which has sprouted a nasty-looking bump.
Geoff: Ugh, that's *ow* our interviewees for today! Didn't think they'd cross our paths like this, though...
Seahorse: Ah, you must be Geoff! Which, in turn, means you two must be Sam and Wizenheimer!
He extends a friendly fin towards them.
Seahorse: I am Dragonzamasu, ruler of the Muda Kingdom! And that ornery little fellow there would be Tamao, my bodyguard. It is nice to meet you both!
Realizing that they're in the presence of royalty, Sam and Wizenheimer shake his fin before bowing in reverence.
Sam: Oh hey, you're that seahorse boss from Super Mario Land!
Wizenheimer: Sorry we hooked you like some common tuna! And I'm double sorry for trying to eat ya.
Dragonzamasu: It's hardly your fault! Apparently, Tamao fell asleep at the wheel and didn't notice that we were in the presence of a fishing boat...
He glares at Tamao, and the little blob-thing completely deflates.
Dragonzamasu: Still, I suppose even the most observant bodyguards can slip up here and there... so anyway, Mr. Slickswipe, I trust that you have a venue set up for our interview today?
Geoff: That we do, my oceanic equine friend! And my buddies here will kindly-
Sam throws a can of Croaka Cola at Geoff.
Geoff: I will kindly take us there. Just hang tight, and we'll be there before you know it!
And so...
Mr. Announcer: Coming at you loud and proud from the Waterpark, HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE'S SAM AND MORTONRHYMER!
Sam: Hey, party-people! Welcome back to Lemmy's Interview Show! I'm Sam-
Wizenheimer: And I'm WIZENHEIMER!
Wizenheimer shoots a dirty look up at the announcer's booth, where Mr. Announcer quickly ducks for cover.
Sam: And we'll be your hosts for today! And it's only appropriate that we've got a pair of oceanic guests joining us at this oceanic venue! One's the noble king of Muda, and the other his overzealous bodyguard! And they were once both corrupted into villainy by the alien invader Tatanga! Let's give a warm welcome to Dragonzamasu and Tamao!
Dragonzamasu takes a bow while the audience applauds. Tamao, meanwhile, squishes himself down in a way that suggests he's bowing.
Wizenheimer: I'll tell you folks, we've gotta funny little story about how we first met old long-nose and squishy over here. And it involves a fishing trip, a pointy-haired boss, and mistaken identities... but we'll save that for another time, 'cause we're over a thousand words in and the interview hasn't even properly begun! So Sam, why don't ya start us off?
Sam: Well to start things off, Dragonzamasu... do you happen to hate mortal-kind, by any chance?
Dragonzamasu: I can't say that I do, seeing as how I'm mortal and all.
Sam: Ah. So there's no "Zero-Mortal" plan for us to worry about? And you're not planning on swapping bodies with Mario so you can wreak havoc in his name?
Dragonzamasu: What in the world are you even talking about?!
Sam: Nothing, your name just reminded me of a TV show I've watched. Now for a real question: what's the Muda Kingdom like? Would you be willing to tell us more about it?
Dragonzamasu: Ah, so glad you decided to disperse with the tomfoolery! Well then... *ahem*
Tamao flies off stage and unfurls a projection screen before he starts messing with a projector. A slide show begins, and shows off various pictures of a tropical kingdom and the ocean beneath.
Dragonzamasu: Ahhhhhh, the Muda Kingdom! A beautiful, scenic, seaside paradise and the famed "Tropical Sapphire" of Sarasaland! The Muda Kingdom is home to clean oceans, a diverse array of sealife, lush islands boasting a rich history, and perhaps most intriguingly: remnants of an alien visitation 3000 years ago! But even those intergalactic wonders pale in comparison to our kingdom's crown jewel: the sprawling city of Mudalantis! The locals are friendly, the architecture is beautiful, the food is delicious, and the souvenirs you can take home, while expensive, are worth every single coin you pay for them! If you wish to visit, you can arrange a tour today! And if you call MudaMudaMuda Travel Agency and enter the code SEAHORSE immediately after dialing the number, you and a family of four can receive a special 50% discount on shuttlesub and hotel services! But this offer is only good today, so get those reservations right now!
Most of the audience is too stunned to react, but a select few applaud, visibly impressed with his demonstration. Sam is among those applauding.
Sam: Man... you, sir, were born to shill for travel agencies! Blatant as it may be, I'm tempted to take you up on that offer...
Geoff gives Sam the stinkeye from his comfy spot in the announcer's booth, right next to Mr. Announcer.
Sam: Or at least I would, if I weren't contractually obligated to finish the world tour my boss so generously paid for.
Wizenheimer: Ah, Bandits. They really know how to swindle you outta your fun. Anyway, Tamao! You've already told me and my little buddy what your deal is, so why don't you get the audience up to speed?
Tamao: I am Tamao of House Scypho! I come from a long line of royal bodyguards, and I'm the head of King Dragonzamasu's security detail!
Wizenheimer: So how does a gooey little speck like you protect His Royal Snootiness, anyway? Why you, instead of those octopus fellas? Or one of those smaller seahorses?
Tamao: What we lack in size, we make up for in density! The gel in our bodies is so tightly packed that it protects our nucleus from harm! And in turn, when we launch ourselves off walls? We do so at such high speeds that we practically become living bullets! Watch this!
Wizenheimer: Whoa, hold on a second-!
He's too late: Tamao's body presses tightly against his chair, and he starts ricocheting wildly across the room. Sam, Wizenheimer, and many audience members scream and duck for cover as he blazes a trail of destruction across the studio, leaving cratered walls, shattered spotlights, and broken cameras in his path. He shoots right through Marie's chest before landing back in his chair, but since she's a Fishin' Boo and therefore a ghost, she's okay.
Wizenheimer: GAH! Watch where you're going, you psychotic nincompoop! Are you trying to kill us?!
Tamao: No, but you did ask how I did my job-
Wizenheimer: So you tore up the studio like a total maniac! You're lucky Marie's already dead, 'cause you could've killer her!
Marie shrugs.
Marie: Eh. Dyin's not so bad! I fer one like bein' all impervious-like to physical threats!
Wizenheimer: Huh. Can't argue with that, I guess.
Sam: Indeed you can't. So Dragonzamasu, how did Tatanga come to brainwash you two?
Dragonzamasu: I wish I could say that he did so through treacherous subterfuge, or after a long and brutal war campaign where he ambushed us after we wore ourselves out... but that would be a lie. In truth, he strolled right into our palace and hypnotized us both before moving on to the rest of our subjects.
In the audience, Tatanga can be seen grinning smugly at him.
Tatanga: Nyeh heh heh! It was way, WAY too easy! You dunderheads may as well have rolled out the red carpet for me!
Dragonzamasu: We practically did. We figured he was a peaceful alien, perhaps visiting our kingdom as a pilgrimage to connect with his ancestors that came here so long ago! Alas, we assumed wrong and paid the price. But at least Mario was there to free us from his brainwashing! I just wish it didn't require him to shoot me with so many torpedos, my body still aches during rainy days!
Wizenheimer: Weird. Tamao, you were immune to those torpedos Mario's little submarine fired, right? Why didn't ya keep fighting him when he took out your king?
Tamao: Even in my brainwashed state, the shock of my liege lord's defeat rattled me to my core. I was so overwhelmed by shame and fear that I fainted, thus undoing my hypnosis!
Wizenheimer: You mean you couldn't bring it upon yerself to keep up the good fight? Bah! Some bodyguard you are!
Tamao: Why you crusty old-!
Dragonzamasu: Mario freed us from Tatanga's brainwashing, and that's what matters. So Tamao? Settle down. Now.
Tamao: Y-Yessir.
Dragonzamasu rolls his eyes and shakes his head while exhaling loudly through his snout.
Sam: So what's your relationship with the other Kings of Sarasaland like? Or Daisy, for that matter?
Dragonzamasu: Oh we get along swimmingly, if you'd pardon the pun, ha ha! We all meet up every month for tennis and golf! And let me tell you: my dear friend Totomesu may be lacking in the "opposable thumbs" department, but that doesn't stop him from outplaying us at both sports! But even then, Daisy still surpasses him in terms of sporting acumen! I suppose there is only so much you can do when you wield items with your mouth...
Wizenheimer: Sounds about right. Tamao, what's your species' deal, anyway? Do you produce asexually, or uh, well...
He tugs at his collar before looking at Sam.
Wizenheimer: *whispering* Hey kid, is the network okay with us talking about the birds and the bees?
Sam shrugs.
Tamao: Asexually, of course! When my father decided it was time to sire a son, he spawned me from his body! And over the course of eighteen long years I slowly grew and matured into the healthy, bouncy blob you see today!
Sam: Two more questions, and we're going to move on to audience questions. Dragonzamasu, do you get to leave your kingdom very often? And if so, are there any places you like to visit?
Dragonzamasu: I get time off for administrative leave with my family, and let me tell you, boy: there is no place more beautiful than Bubblaine! That is, if you ignore the beauty of the Muda Kingdom itself, ha ha... but yes, the fizzy sparkling water, gorgeous sunset, and friendly locals are always a delight to visit! I'm rather awful at that volleyball game they like to play over there, though...
Sam: You and me both, your majesty.
Wizenheimer: And me!
Mario: Don't-a forget me!
Cappy: Ugh, VOLLEYBALL.
Bubblainian: Merde...
The audience soon grows noisy as more people voice their displeasure towards Bubblaine's volleyball before Wizenheimer breaks the silence by shooting a few firecrackers from his wand.
Wizenheimer: ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT! Knock it off! It's clear we've all had issues with Bubblaine volleyball! Now zip your lips before I zip 'em for ya!
The audience falls silent.
Wizenheimer: Oy vey... alright Tamao, one last question: you ever gotten any offers to be the ball in any sporting events?
Tamao: Yes, actually!
Wizenheimer: Wha- really? Great Galloping Goombas, I was just messing around!
Tamao: To be specific, I've been approached with offers to act as the ball in a few games of soccer and basketball!
Wizenheimer: Did you accept those offers?
Tamao: Of course not! I'm the bodyguard of King Dragonzamasu himself, and the son of one of the Muda Kingdom's greatest noble families! The thought of them reducing ME to a mere ball- bah! Such an insult!
Wizenheimer: Eh. Can't argue with that.
Sam: Alright, now for the audience! Seat WISDOMOFFROGS!
Frogfucius: Are you an avid reader, Dragonzamasu?
Dragonzamasu: That I am! That I am indeed! I'm particularly fond of mystery novels, and Herringway truly delivers in that regard! Goodness, I truly hope this interview ends soon because I am currently lost in the pages of "Murder on the Excess Express" and it truly has me on the edge of my seat!
Tamao: Excellent taste, milord! Why, to this day the reveal that Lord Goombington's murder was, in fact, an assisted suicide performed by Regis will always-
Dragonzamasu, Wizenheimer, Frogfucius, and most of the audience all let out collective screams of anguish.
Dragonzamasu: Tamao, you nitwit! I thought I said no spoilers!
Wizenheimer: Well you shoulda reminded him, because I picked up a copy just last night!
Beezo (in the audience): So did I!
Raini (also in the audience): Me too!
Snifster (ditto): I want my 25 coins back!
Tamao's body flattens into his seat, and Dragonzamasu shakes his head before taking a deep breath.
Dragonzamasu: To be fair, it WAS my fault for bringing it up in the first place...
Wizenheimer: Gah... anyway, seat YOUCANTESCAPEME!
Koopa General: Hey Tamao! Are you related to that Helio thing from Super Mario RPG? Y'know, those little red balls that help the Czar Dragon?
Tamao: Of course not! I am an organic creature, while those things are living rocks! I do suppose our similar appearances could be chalked up to our species' following similar evolutionary paths...
Sam: Interesting! Seat IAMNOTHARU!
Prince Florian: Dragonzamasu, out of all the powerups that our friend Mario has used in his adventures, which one do you like the most?
Dragonzamasu: An interesting question! I'm quite happy with my innate ability to spit fireballs, but if I had to choose? I would pick a Boo Mushroom, and freely float around the surface world! Plus, I'm curious to see how my handsome facial features would translate into a Boo's appearance...
Wizenheimer: And to wrap things up, Seat EYEROKUROKWEALLROK
Eyerok: Do... you... want... proper... battle body...?
Tamao: I can't say that I do, sorry. I imagine that piloting a hand-shaped mecha in your visage could be all well and fun, but I'm quite happy fighting as I am! After all, I may be small, but I am lethal!
Sam: And with that, I'd say we're done! Dragonzamasu, Tamao, it was an honor having you both out here today!
Dragonzamasu: The pleasure is all ours! I, for one, am glad to have had an excuse to go out and see the world beyond my doorstep! I do hope you will make good on your offer to visit our kingdom, though...
Sam: Again, once our little world tour is over, I'll do just that! But until then, the interviews must go on! Thank you all for coming, and an even bigger thank you to our viewers back home who took the time to pencil us into their TV schedule! Farewell to you all, and we'll be seeing you next week! Good night, Plit!
(Bit of an abrupt ending, but I just wanted to get this over with so I could breathe some life into the forums, ha ha. More content is on the way!)
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