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Koffee Beans

Chapter 1: A Graduate Only in Name

MUSIC: SMRPG Rose Town

At the doors of Mushroom Culinary College, a great day is just coming out of the oven. Today represents the end of a chapter in the lives of experienced graduates, a new revelation in the lives of returning attendees, and the beginning of a chapter in the cookbook of the lives of the new students. Many students, Goomba, Koopa, Yoshi, and Toad alike flock out of the doors, confronted with the euphoric reality of finally being able to do anything they want to do with their lives, only bolstered by their shiny and new degrees. As the professors clear out their belongings for the summer, one - an elderly Goomba named Professor Goombart - remains at his desk reminiscing about the good times, or lack thereof, of the preceding year's Beverages 2 class via the yearbook.

PROFESSOR GOOMBART: "Kandi Koopa, what an attentive student. Her Yoshi Pediatrics class came in handy. Who knew Yarnell was allergic to Green Berries? Kelly Koopa, I'll never forget the day she took over teaching the day I was having heart surgery. And I thought it was a mistake leaving the teacher's edition book on my desk! Now Kep Koopa... he had ambition."

Prof. Goombart looks out the window, and he sees a pink-shelled Koopa skipping along the sidewalk.

*SLAM*

KEP KOOPA: "Hiya, Klay! Sorry for bumping into your cart! It won't happen again! 97th time's the charm!"

Klay the Koopatrol kustodian collects his belongings, including the sawdust container whose contents are now on his shell.

KLAY KOOPATROL: "Yeah kiddo, go along. Have fun with your piece of paper. Who knows, maybe you'll become a Super Koopa with your 'cape'?"

KEP: "That's a good one! I mean, who could have fun with a degree? It's the scalpel that shapes my destiny!"

Kep sits on a bench at the university nature preserve, collecting his thoughts.

KEP: "And they said I'd fail! They'll eat - or drink! - those words after I open up my new coffee house! Time to break the mold of this stuffy old kingdom!"

Kep hails a taxi to ride to Princess Peach's castle. He walks to the park beside it, and sticks a sign in the ground - "Future Site of Kep's Kaboose - Now Hiring".

KEP: "Okay, time to shape my destiny! Not even the Star Spirits can strike me down!"

Kep ducks into his shell, charges up, and slams into one of the trees in the park. He collects the wood, then brings it back to the restaurant site. A royal Toad guard is waiting for him.

GUARD: "And who do you think you are?"

KEP: "Kep Koopa, owner of Kep's Kaboose! I ask not if I may take your application, but if you may allow me to take it!"

Kep bows as the guard rolls his eyes.

GUARD: "Nice place you've got. You're using wood from a rare Pink Berry tree imported from the Forest of Illusion, and you've got a scenic view of our Princess's castle."

As the guard writes something up on his notepad, Kep beams.

KEP: "Why thank you, good sir! If you want to spread the word, take this informational flyer!"

Kep hands the guard a piece of paper with "KEP'S KABOOSE INFORMATIONAL PAMPHLET: TO BE DONE" on it, but the guard hands Kep a piece of paper in return.

KEP: "'You are under arrest for illegally using royal land, destroying property of the Mushroom Kingdom, and being a menace to endangered tree species.' Do I get an extra credit assignment?"

GUARD: "No, you get this!"

The guard takes out his calculator, types in some numbers, and prints a bill - a fine of 150 mushroom coins.

KEP: "A free receipt printer! Thank you! I will dedicate this building to you!"

The guard, taken aback, looks at Kep.

GUARD: "Top billing, you say? I've never gotten that level of recognition! Well... as long as you don't disturb anything else, I'll allow you to build this establishment, okay?"

KEP: "Thanks for the encouragement, occifer! ...Now where will I get a hammer?"

Will Kep's dream be seen to fruition? Will Kep be able to avoid arrest again? Am I kidding anybody on that second one? Find out in chapter 2!

Koffee Beans

Chapter 2: Wood You or Woodn't You

In the courtyard park, Kep can be seen trying to "squish" the Pink Berry wood he has together.

Kep: "Hgggh! Hnggh! How do I build this? I've got it! I need a glue gun!"

Kep picks up all his wood, hoists it in front of his face, and runs to Toad Town.

Kep: "Oh mmph, thimph is hmmvh!"

Kep knocks on the item shop's door.

Storekeeper Toad: "What can I get you?"

Kep: "Hmllph! I am stmmph a fmmne drmmphing mmphstmmshmment! I wmmph like a glmmph gum to bill my nmmph stormph!"

Shopkeeper: "Gum? I have that! Do you want Peachy Keen or Koopa Tea Leaf?"

Kep: "Nmphh! I neem a glmmph gum! The kmmph you ooth to glmmph woom tmmgemmth!"

Shopkeeper: "Blueberry? Good thing you asked! They just discontinued it!"

The shopkeeper places a small box on one of the planks.

Shopkeeper: "That will be 2 Coins!"

Kep: "Cmmph yumph plump geth ith om of mmm shrll?"

Kep turns around so the shopkeeper can get the coins.

Shopkeeper: *sigh* "To think the laundromat makes THEM pay for having money in their clothes..."

The shopkeeper takes the money, and Kep walks off.

Kep: "Okamph, leth see who I know who can ooth a glooth gum. Maybeth Warioth can helth me!"

Kep tirelessly runs down to Wario's Castle and knocks on the door.

???: "Hello! You've reached Wario's automated help service that he did not steal from Mario! For how much can he help you?"

Kep: "Umph, helloth Warioth! I neeth health with my nooth glmmph gum. Can you health me?"

The door opens, revealing Wario sitting at a desk with a red-and-blue microphone.

Wario: Did you say blueberry gum? They stopped producing that flavor! Of course I can help you with it!"

Wario swipes the gum off of Kep's stack of wood.

Wario: "Thanks a bunch, pal! Maybe I'll remember this later!"

Wario slams the door back on Kep's face.

Kep: "Welth, what a waits of thyme. Bath to the mortyarm parm, I geth..."

As Kep starts back to the park, he spots a poster on Wario's Castle.

"Are you sick and tired of being treated like everyone's enemy? Are you ready to realize your purpose in life? Are people stealing your gum one time too many? Join the Koopa Troop today! We have funding programs that can realize your wildest dreams! Signups are at King Bowser's Castle in Dark Land."

Kep: "Thay, thath noth a mad ideam. I shalm meet with thith Ming Bowsem today!"

Kep hails a taxi.

Kep: "Ticketh form one to Darth Lam, pleath!"

The cab driver Toad, who is strangely wearing a surgical mask, is talking on a cell phone.

Taxi Toad: "Yeah, yeah, Wario, I've got this-"

He quickly flips the phone shut.

Taxi Toad: "Well, isn't it your lucky day? You're the 920th customer! You get a free ride!"

Kep gets in the cab, ready to get his restaurant up.

Will Kep be able to get a grant from Bowser? Will Kep actually be able to meet Bowser? Will Kep even get out of the cab without tripping? Find out in Chapter 3!

Koffee Beans

Chapter 3: He Who Koops and Drives Away...

We see Kep exiting the taxi, but failing to get the wood out of it.

Kep: "Hey, how did I get this wood in, if I can't get it out now?"

Taxi Toad: "Huh, that's weird. It's not like this completely Mushroom Kingdom-authorized taxi's doors can shrink in width. You'd better leave that precious Pink Berry Tree wood with me for safe keeping."

The taxi driver adjusts his mask, a long, thin nose being seen for a split-second.

Kep: "But it's for my-"

Taxi Toad: "Too bad. Exiting time."

The cab driver Toad's long arm shoves Kep out the door without the wood, then he slams the door and drives off.

Kep: "Oh well, at least I can get some more wood from the beautiful flora of Dark Land!"

Kep strolls through Dark Land's dilapidated path to Bowser's Keep. He knocks on the red double doors to the castle. The doors open, revealing a Koopatrol.

Koopatrol: "Dark Land ID, please."

Kep: "I've actually came to apply for one of those! Where can I get one?"

Koopatrol: "Follow me."

The Koopatrol leads Kep to a dark hall lined with torches. Two small chairs, a desk, and a throne bearing Bowser's insignia can be seen at the far side.

Koopatrol: "Sit here. His Majesty will be here soon."

After a while, a familiar face can be seen, bizarrely having a much smaller body wearing robes.

Bowser: "It is I, Bowser the King of Koopas! State your business!"

Koopatrol: "Your H-"

Kep: "Bowser?!? Is that really you? I've heard so much about you at college! I've heard you're a really bad ruler! Do you really pay your troops 10 coins a year? Do you really demean your children's sense of self-worth? Do you really have a shrine to Princess Peach in your roo-"

"Bowser" takes his paper-mâché "head" off, revealing the Magikoopa Kamek.

Kamek: "One, he totally does, two, it's actually those brats who demean my self-worth, and three, the Koopa Kingdom's official stance is that King Koopa does not have a sample of Princess Toadstool's favorite perfume and a lock of her hair in his room. What can I get you, O mighty college graduate? A Goomnut Burger with an extra large Fuzzy Fries and a small diet water?"

Kep: "I'd like to join the Koopa Troop! I'm ready to get rich and fulfill my destiny of making a smoothie shop!"

Kamek: "Um... we have a spot between two cement blocks in World 6-3 on Chocolate Island."

Kep: "Chocolate Island? Do they have flowing chocolate rivers? That's a great idea! I'll cater for a house boat!"

Kamek: "...there aren't any boats on Chocolate-"

Kep: "And I know what our jaunty sea shanty will be too!
OH!
When you need tea or juice
You can count on Kep's Kaboose
Peachy Keen or Blue Blueberry
All our flavors are real merry
When you need something to make you smile
Come and grab a drink a while
Hangin' in the summer sun-"

Kamek: "Enough! Do you want the job?"

Kep: "My smoothie lies over the ocean, my smoothie lies over the sea! My smoothie fell over the railing, so I'll get another for me!"

Kamek: "I SAID-"

Kep: "Do you see what I see? Do you see what I see? A Kep's Kaboose, ready to serve me, will I get a coffee or smoothie?"

Kamek: "STOP SING-"

Kep: "A Yoshi walked up to a Kep's Kaboose, he said to the Koopa-"

Kamek: "THAT'S IT! TWENTY YEARS DUNGEON FOR DISRESPECTING THE AUTHORITY OF KING BOWSER'S SERVANTS!"

Kep: "Aw, come on! I go to college just to get put in prison for the length of my life already?!?"

Kamek: "Wait, did you say college? As in a college degree?"

Kep: "Beverage Study, Bachelor's."

Kamek: "I've been looking everywhere for one of those! If you'll just sign this 30-year contract..."

Just then, the cab driver - or shall we say Waluigi in the clothes of a cab driver, now that his fake mushroom cap had fallen off, crashed through the wall, holding the Pink Berry Tree wood. He was trailed by a Mushroom Kingdom Toad cop.

Kamek: "Ah, a new recruit to the Koopa Troop? Let me tell you all about our fantastic travel opportunities!"

Kamek takes Waluigi aside as the cop comes up to Kep.

Cop Toad: "Did I just hear you say you had a Bachelor's degree in Beverage Study?"

Kep: "Of course! Smoothies, tea, coffee, you name it!"

Cop Toad: "Coffee, eh? How about we get back to the Mushroom Kingdom and discuss potential employment in law enforcement?"

Kep: "If it means a free ride, sure!"

EPILOGUE:

Back at the Mushroom Kingdom police station, Kep can be seen standing next to a small coffee maker. A badge pinned to the underside of his shell reads "Mushroom Kingdom Police Dept. Coffee Maker". The coffee machine shudders and shuts down.

Kep: "Man, I guess it goes to show that college can make all your dreams come true!"

THE END

Koffee Beans

Chapter 2: Wood You or Woodn't You

In the courtyard park, Kep can be seen trying to "squish" the Pink Berry wood he has together.

Kep: "Hgggh! Hnggh! How do I build this? I've got it! I need a glue gun!"

Kep picks up all his wood, hoists it in front of his face, and runs to Toad Town.

Kep: "Oh mmph, thimph is hmmvh!"

Kep knocks on the item shop's door.

Storekeeper Toad: "What can I get you?"

Kep: "Hmllph! I am stmmph a fmmne drmmphing mmphstmmshmment! I wmmph like a glmmph gum to bill my nmmph stormph!"

Shopkeeper: "Gum? I have that! Do you want Peachy Keen or Koopa Tea Leaf?"

Kep: "Nmphh! I neem a glmmph gum! The kmmph you ooth to glmmph woom tmmgemmth!"

Shopkeeper: "Blueberry? Good thing you asked! They just discontinued it!"

The shopkeeper places a small box on one of the planks.

Shopkeeper: "That will be 2 Coins!"

Kep: "Cmmph yumph plump geth ith om of mmm shrll?"

Kep turns around so the shopkeeper can get the coins.

Shopkeeper: *sigh* "To think the laundromat makes THEM pay for having money in their clothes..."

The shopkeeper takes the money, and Kep walks off.

Kep: "Okamph, leth see who I know who can ooth a glooth gum. Maybeth Warioth can helth me!"

Kep tirelessly runs down to Wario's Castle and knocks on the door.

???: "Hello! You've reached Wario's automated help service that he did not steal from Mario! For how much can he help you?"

Kep: "Umph, helloth Warioth! I neeth health with my nooth glmmph gum. Can you health me?"

The door opens, revealing Wario sitting at a desk with a red-and-blue microphone.

Wario: Did you say blueberry gum? They stopped producing that flavor! Of course I can help you with it!"

Wario swipes the gum off of Kep's stack of wood.

Wario: "Thanks a bunch, pal! Maybe I'll remember this later!"

Wario slams the door back on Kep's face.

Kep: "Welth, what a waits of thyme. Bath to the mortyarm parm, I geth..."

As Kep starts back to the park, he spots a poster on Wario's Castle.

"Are you sick and tired of being treated like everyone's enemy? Are you ready to realize your purpose in life? Are people stealing your gum one time too many? Join the Koopa Troop today! We have funding programs that can realize your wildest dreams! Signups are at King Bowser's Castle in Dark Land."

Kep: "Thay, thath noth a mad ideam. I shalm meet with thith Ming Bowsem today!"

Kep hails a taxi.

Kep: "Ticketh form one to Darth Lam, pleath!"

The cab driver Toad, who is strangely wearing a surgical mask, is talking on a cell phone.

Taxi Toad: "Yeah, yeah, Wario, I've got this-"

He quickly flips the phone shut.

Taxi Toad: "Well, isn't it your lucky day? You're the 920th customer! You get a free ride!"

Kep gets in the cab, ready to get his restaurant up.

Will Kep be able to get a grant from Bowser? Will Kep actually be able to meet Bowser? Will Kep even get out of the cab without tripping? Find out in Chapter 3!

Koffee Beans

Chapter 3: He Who Koops and Drives Away...

We see Kep exiting the taxi, but failing to get the wood out of it.

Kep: "Hey, how did I get this wood in, if I can't get it out now?"

Taxi Toad: "Huh, that's weird. It's not like this completely Mushroom Kingdom-authorized taxi's doors can shrink in width. You'd better leave that precious Pink Berry Tree wood with me for safe keeping."

The taxi driver adjusts his mask, a long, thin nose being seen for a split-second.

Kep: "But it's for my-"

Taxi Toad: "Too bad. Exiting time."

The cab driver Toad's long arm shoves Kep out the door without the wood, then he slams the door and drives off.

Kep: "Oh well, at least I can get some more wood from the beautiful flora of Dark Land!"

Kep strolls through Dark Land's dilapidated path to Bowser's Keep. He knocks on the red double doors to the castle. The doors open, revealing a Koopatrol.

Koopatrol: "Dark Land ID, please."

Kep: "I've actually came to apply for one of those! Where can I get one?"

Koopatrol: "Follow me."

The Koopatrol leads Kep to a dark hall lined with torches. Two small chairs, a desk, and a throne bearing Bowser's insignia can be seen at the far side.

Koopatrol: "Sit here. His Majesty will be here soon."

After a while, a familiar face can be seen, bizarrely having a much smaller body wearing robes.

Bowser: "It is I, Bowser the King of Koopas! State your business!"

Koopatrol: "Your H-"

Kep: "Bowser?!? Is that really you? I've heard so much about you at college! I've heard you're a really bad ruler! Do you really pay your troops 10 coins a year? Do you really demean your children's sense of self-worth? Do you really have a shrine to Princess Peach in your roo-"

"Bowser" takes his paper-mâché "head" off, revealing the Magikoopa Kamek.

Kamek: "One, he totally does, two, it's actually those brats who demean my self-worth, and three, the Koopa Kingdom's official stance is that King Koopa does not have a sample of Princess Toadstool's favorite perfume and a lock of her hair in his room. What can I get you, O mighty college graduate? A Goomnut Burger with an extra large Fuzzy Fries and a small diet water?"

Kep: "I'd like to join the Koopa Troop! I'm ready to get rich and fulfill my destiny of making a smoothie shop!"

Kamek: "Um... we have a spot between two cement blocks in World 6-3 on Chocolate Island."

Kep: "Chocolate Island? Do they have flowing chocolate rivers? That's a great idea! I'll cater for a house boat!"

Kamek: "...there aren't any boats on Chocolate-"

Kep: "And I know what our jaunty sea shanty will be too!
OH!
When you need tea or juice
You can count on Kep's Kaboose
Peachy Keen or Blue Blueberry
All our flavors are real merry
When you need something to make you smile
Come and grab a drink a while
Hangin' in the summer sun-"

Kamek: "Enough! Do you want the job?"

Kep: "My smoothie lies over the ocean, my smoothie lies over the sea! My smoothie fell over the railing, so I'll get another for me!"

Kamek: "I SAID-"

Kep: "Do you see what I see? Do you see what I see? A Kep's Kaboose, ready to serve me, will I get a coffee or smoothie?"

Kamek: "STOP SING-"

Kep: "A Yoshi walked up to a Kep's Kaboose, he said to the Koopa-"

Kamek: "THAT'S IT! TWENTY YEARS DUNGEON FOR DISRESPECTING THE AUTHORITY OF KING BOWSER'S SERVANTS!"

Kep: "Aw, come on! I go to college just to get put in prison for the length of my life already?!?"

Kamek: "Wait, did you say college? As in a college degree?"

Kep: "Beverage Study, Bachelor's."

Kamek: "I've been looking everywhere for one of those! If you'll just sign this 30-year contract..."

Just then, the cab driver - or shall we say Waluigi in the clothes of a cab driver, now that his fake mushroom cap had fallen off, crashed through the wall, holding the Pink Berry Tree wood. He was trailed by a Mushroom Kingdom Toad cop.

Kamek: "Ah, a new recruit to the Koopa Troop? Let me tell you all about our fantastic travel opportunities!"

Kamek takes Waluigi aside as the cop comes up to Kep.

Cop Toad: "Did I just hear you say you had a Bachelor's degree in Beverage Study?"

Kep: "Of course! Smoothies, tea, coffee, you name it!"

Cop Toad: "Coffee, eh? How about we get back to the Mushroom Kingdom and discuss potential employment in law enforcement?"

Kep: "If it means a free ride, sure!"

EPILOGUE:

Back at the Mushroom Kingdom police station, Kep can be seen standing next to a small coffee maker. A badge pinned to the underside of his shell reads "Mushroom Kingdom Police Dept. Coffee Maker". The coffee machine shudders and shuts down.

Kep: "Man, I guess it goes to show that college can make all your dreams come true!"

THE END

Nice story.

Awesome

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