Stardust Fields Forums

(Want to get into that Lemmy's Land spirit? Listen to this while reading: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ndiD8V7zpAs)


Geoff: Sammo Sammo Samarooney! I need you front and center!

Sam: Aw come on, Geoff! I'm in the middle of a Mega Man marathon here! Can't it wait?

Sure enough, Sam is playing Mega Man 4, currently going through Ring Man's stage while Marie, Sergei, Lee, and Wizenheimer are all watching him, enamored by the stage's trippy visuals.

Geoff: Oh come on, Sam! We've got that triple interview I planned to do! Come on, we missed our Christmas AND New Year's specials, we need to remind the public that our little old interview studio's still got a pulse!

Wizenheimer: Actually, the three guys we had booked bailed on ya. Sorry to tell ya that, but them's the breaks.

Geoff: Wha-?! D'oh, POLLY!

Polly enters the room.

Polly: Yes?

Geoff: Is Wizenheimer telling the truth? Did our interviewees really make like Christian and Bale?

Polly: For our triple interview, indeed they did. However, I did get someone called in for an interview tonight, so everything is going smoothly like I *yawn * said.

Polly then collapses on the floor right on her back and begins snoring away.

Geoff: Eh, at least the we're still going strong! So uh, who's the lucky Schmo we're interviewing tonight?

Lee: It appears to be one of those no-good varmints that tend to burrow underground, a Monty Mole, sir!

Geoff: A Monty Mole, eh? It's quite a step down, but I'll take what I get. Now uh, since we're back down to one interviewee, plans are changing! Lee, you're the only guy who hasn't interviewed someone, so the privilege of interviewing Monty Mole goes to you!

Lee: Sir, yes sir!

Geoff: Alright party people, you know what to do! Everyone, go... go do the thing!

Everyone just stares at Geoff silently, not really doing much of anything.

Geoff: You know, whatever it is that you guys do during interviews! Sam... eh, I guess you can continue your gaming binge.

Sam: Whoo!

Lee: You heard the man! Haul your sorry butts to your stations immediately, go go go!

And soon...

Marie: Alright y'all, we're goin' live in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!”

Announcer: Coming to you loud and proud from Mushroom City, heeeeeeeere's Geoff!

Geoff walks onstage... to the sound of no applause. In fact, the seats are filled by only by Wizenheimer, Sergei, Polly, the persistent Swoopin' Stu, and that pesky Rex who keeps showing up in an annoying running gag.

Geoff: Hey, hold on a minute, what happened to our audience?! I mean, we have fans and all, right?

Wizenheimer: Aw geez Louise, you're a professional interviewer who doesn't know that when ya host no interviews for at least three months, people tend ta get scarce? Who woulda known?

Geoff: HEY! If anyone's gonna be doing any sassing over here, it's gonna be ME! Understand, ya grumpy old fart?!

Polly: Geoff, I suggest that you do not keep our interviewee waiting.

Sergei: Indeed. It would be most unprofessional, boss.

Monty Mole: Speaking of unprofessional, don't you have an interview to conduct here?

Geoff: Yeah yeah... anyway folks, as you all know my co-chief of security and 8-Bits Army veteran Lee will be interviewing a Monty Mole! Take it away, Lee!

Lee: Alright there, ya lily-livered dirt-chompin' lowlife, why on God's green earth are you called a Monty “Mole” when you clearly look like a gopher?

Monty Mole: Hey, you'll just have to take that up with the one who named our species. I suppose they never saw a gopher, and when you think about burrowing mammals, they tend to be moles.

Lee: So I've noticed that your kind tend to either fling rocks, or employ ambush tactics. How come your kind's tactics are so different in each game?

Monty Mole: Bowser has two different Monty Mole squads, and he deploys either one depending on how the terrain can be used. In places like Dinosaur Land and the stretch of Mushroom Kingdom seen in the New Super Mario Bros. Games, the terrain they're deployed at is more favorable for ambushes, while in other areas, projectile throwing is advantageous due to the mostly flat terrain.

Lee: So now I'm getting real nice and personal Mister, feel free to spill your heart: what do you do for fun?

Monty Mole: Me? Well, I spend a lot of time playing baseball in a local team over near Shroom Ridge! I also mine for ore in my spare time mainly for the workout, and the nice and quiet ambience of underground caves.

Lee: So where exactly do you hail from? Dinosaur Land? Hazy-Maze Cave? Elsewhere?

Monty Mole: You're looking at a proud Dinosaur Land native! Specifically, Cookie Mountain is where I was born and raised!

Lee: So would we have seen you in any of the main games themselves?

Monty Mole: Indeed you have! I'm the Monty Mole on Mario's team in the baseball games, though admittedly I'm not the best at it.

Lee: Alright, I'm getting tired of hearing about your life story so it's back to questions about your species as a whole: I've noticed that in Paper Mario, the Monty Moles at Mt. Rugged are little pansies, while the ones at Flower Fields are a lot stronger. What's with that?

Monty Mole: You mean those green moles, right? They're actually a sub-species that are only distantly related to us: Mikey Moles! I don't know why they were called Monty Moles seeing as how they're bulkier and more powerful, but these things happen I guess.

Lee: Ah, I see! They're victims to lazy translations I suppose. Anyway: What's the deal with Mega and Morty Moles? Are they what your kind mature into, or are they altered by magic? What's their major malfunction?

Monty Mole: Like the moles mentioned earlier, they're also closely related subspecies that are native to areas such as Big Island.

Lee: I see. So about your ambush techniques where you burst out of solid rock walls to get the jump on people: how do you do that?! Are Monty Moles stronger than what I'm told?

Monty Mole: Nah, we dig out carefully selected areas beforehand and fill in the holes with the loose rocks. It makes for cleaner, easier ambushing.

Lee: Alright there Mole, I'm gettin' kind of lazy here, so one more question and I'm handin' you to the savages in the audience: do your kind like sunglasses? In some games you look like you're sportin' a pair of shades, while others you clearly aren't? Explain the inconsistency, maggot!

Monty Mole: Both, of course! Dinosaur Land Monty Moles like myself wear them due to it being a cultural thing, and any Montys that you see wearing them elsewhere likely have family ties there!

Lee jumps out of his chair and gives Monty Mole a healthy slap on the face.

Monty Mole: OW! What was that for?!

Lee: Why on earth would you wear something that dims your vision in the line of duty? Only a moron handicaps their eyesight like that!

Monty Mole: Hey, I've never served in Bowser's army, so don't ask me! I have the common sense to leave the shades off when playing baseball, at least!

Lee: Eh, whatever. Anyway, I can feel the ol' ticker getting ready to give out, so I'll have you answer the audience's questions while I take my medicine.

And with that, Lee hobbles out while occasionally coughing up a bullet or two.

Monty Mole: Gee, what a cranky old Snifit... anyway, seat... 7, I guess?

Wizenheimer: I've always wanted ta know, are ya guys blind, or do ya see just fine?

Monty Mole: We have good vision as a whole! Don't let the sunglasses and squinty eyes throw you off, ha ha! Seat 43!

Sergei: Why do you moles jump out of ground in racetracks? Stupid moles asking to get hit.

Monty Mole: Hey, being an obstacle during a Mario Kart tournament actually pays pretty well! A cousin of mine actually pulls in a lot of money doing that sort of thing! Now, seat ZZZ.

Polly: So Mr. Mole, do you have a favorite gem?

Monty Mole: They sure aren't valuable or all that special, but I love that earthy color chocolate diamonds come in! Seat SQUISHYSQUASHY.

Swoopin' Stu: I've seen your kind around in Isle Delfino! What's up with the cannon fixation?

Monty Mole: A lot of my kind tend to be very in-tune with machinery in general, especially our Isle Delfino cousins! Cannons in particular are just a lot of fun. Now, last question! Seat IMADRAGONAMA.

Rex: Would you, Mister Mole, be willing to as-

Wizenheimer whips out his wand and jams it at Rex's snout.

Wizenheimer: You finish that sentence, and you'll be snortin' lightning bolts like nobody's business!

Rex: Eep! So sorry, mister! Anyway, my other question is: what food happens to be your favorite snack?

Monty Mole: Ooh boy, I do enjoy gummi worms! They're like the earthworms you can slurp up underground, only they're actually tasty! Though quite unhealthy in return... But anyway, that's my last question, I guess! I'll admit, that old Snifit was a bit intimidating, but being interviewed was quite fun! But unfortunately, I have to run for now. Goodbye you guys, and have a great night!

As Monty Mole, Swoopin' Stu, and Rex leave, Geoff makes his way back to the studio.

Geoff: Well well, Lee did pretty well for his first time, that loveable old coot! And thank you guys for filling in for the audience! And hey, I even appreciate that tenacious little Swoopin' Stu for pitchin' in.

Polly: So, are we getting back to interviewing regularly?

Geoff: Indeedily Doodily, my sweet Polly! And since he decided to skip out on today's interview, Sam's interviewing our next guest along with someone here. Whoever that is though... well, that's my little secret.

Geoff cackles evilly as he walks back on stage, with Sergei, Polly, and Wizenheimer all blankly staring at him.

Wizenheimer: I tell ya, that Geoff... sometimes I don't know what ta think of him!

Sergei: Join the club, my wizard friend. Jackets are here.

Polly: Indeed... oh Marie, is the camera still rolling?

Marie: Aw shoot! Thanks for remindin' me!

Marie reels in the camera and accidentally smashes it against a wall, ending the transmission.

(Author's Note: This is probably my least favorite of my new interviews, seeing as how it was kind of boring for me to write, Monty Moles just aren't the most interesting Mario characters out there! That seems to be the general consensus seeing as how back on Lemmy's Land, there are only seven interviews focusing on them. I'll admit, I'm still trying to get down Lee's character, so I hope I'm portraying his grumpy drill sergeant attitude well enough!)